I doubted whether I should write this post. Not only is it extremely difficult to write, it also veers off track from my normal topics. The focus of my blog is to inspire others to join me on my journey towards a healthier, happier, more sustainable life. This post is not a very happy one, but I decided it was worth writing, because a healthier, happier life doesn’t mean there won’t be sad moments…
Saturday we had to do one of the hardest things we’ve ever done, Pablo and I made the decision to say goodbye to our dear sweet dog.
Kyle was the most amazing dog I have ever met and his passing leaves a big hole in our hearts and in our lives. I’m so grateful to have had Kyle in my life, but I am also scared of the emptiness his absence brings.
It’s been a hard few days and I expect it will continue to be hard for quite some time. While our upcoming Ironman will keep us focused on moving forward, there are little things everywhere around us that trigger memories and endless tears.
Kyle was a prominent part of every aspect of our day. He slept next to us and from the second we’d wake up, Kyle would be near us, either waking one of us up or at the top of the stairs wagging his tail waiting for one of us to head downstairs.
He’d go outside and I’d often just stand and watch him as he sniffed the morning air.
Why didn’t I join him outside more often? Questions like these flow through my mind as I go through the daily routine without Kyle.
Back inside, he’d eat his breakfast while I brewed coffee and figured out my day. Wherever we were in the house, Kyle was never far. On trainer days, we’d jump on and Kyle would fall asleep listening to the zooming of the wheels.
Then we’d head off to work, always remembering to say goodbye to Kyle, because once I started working from home in Connecticut we learned that whenever Pablo would leave without saying goodbye, Kyle would cry at the door (yes, even if I was still home).
Ironman training meant we left Kyle alone a lot on the weekends, but I think we made up for it during the week. Pablo worked from home part of last year and I’ve worked from home on and off for most of the years Kyle and I were together. On those days, I’d head to my office, Kyle at my heels and he’d lay at my feet all day while I worked.
Sometimes I would walk him midday and back in his younger days, we’d do some running, but always, always whenever I’d head out and come back home, the first thing I’d do was find Kyle…if he didn’t find me first, tail wagging, ready to plop his head in my lap for some cuddles.
I can’t tell you how empty it has felt walking into the house and not seeing his face and getting to cuddle with him. I think it will be a while before I get used to that.
When Pablo’d get home, Kyle’s tail would wag even more, often in circles from excitement. They were together for 11 long happy years and that dog would have gone to the moon and back for Pablo.
While I’d make dinner, the boys would head out for a walk. I definitely wish I’d gone out for more walks with my boys, but I also remember many wonderful walks and outings. You’d think I’d be happy to be in the kitchen without having to constantly say “out of the kitchen,” but that definitely brought both tears and a laugh last night when we were making dinner. Besides wanting to eat every little crumb we dropped, Kyle just always wanted to be near us.
Many times he would find a place to lay down where he could see/hear both of us and at dinner he’d often lay under the table right at our feet. The evening would be no different…at our feet by the couch or, before his legs become too weak, on the couch, sometimes forgetting that he needed to share.
Bedtime was led by Kyle. If we stayed up later than usual, he would let us know it was time for bed! He wouldn’t go alone though. One of us had to go with him, and most of the time, he wouldn’t settle in until both of us had come upstairs.
That has definitely been the worst part of the day for me these past few days. Every night without fail, I would lay with Kyle before heading to bed. Sometimes it would be brief, sometimes I’d fall asleep with him, sometimes I’d talk to him and often we’d just lay there cuddled up together.
Now he’s gone and Pablo and I are trying to find a new routine, but so far it just feels empty. I keep wanting to say “see you later buddy” before I head out the door, “it’s so good to see you” when I walk in the door and “I love you Kyle” before I close my eyes, but there’s no one to say it to.
Kyle was the best companion anyone could ask for. His loyalty was unmatched. He was there for us whenever we needed him. He gave us unconditional love. Like many dogs, he was the prime example of kindness. I will carry him with me everywhere I go and aim to live life like our sweet sweet Kyle; giving kindness to those around me every day with no expectation of reward. I love you Kyle.