I feel completely overwhelmed by the love and support you have shown me. If you know me, you know I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I am not going to lie, it has been a tough two years…
Remember my Kilimanjaro trip in February? Seemed like a fun adventurous trip, right? What I didn’t tell anyone is that it was my it’s-been-12-months-of-trying-and-I-had-a-mental-breakdown-and-decided-to-go-on-a-crazy-adventure-where-I-live-in-a-tent-by-myself-for-a-week trip.
Turned out to be a fantastic trip, but I could’ve probably lived without the rollercoaster of emotions I experienced in the preceding year.
We’re only a few months into assisted fertility treatments, so I really shouldn’t complain and I have every reason to believe things will work out, but when you’re dealing with unexplained infertility, it can be frustrating, because nothing’s broken, it just won’t work….
Most days I can handle things okay, but it has been hard watching people announce pregnancies, have babies, and sometimes even announce a second pregnancy, all the while you’re peeing on ovulation strips, timing intercourse, getting your blood taken, popping pills, getting shots and cycling between eating and drinking the healthiest things possible, to chugging coffee, inhaling wine, consuming raw seafood and ingesting large amounts of comfort (junk) food.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very very happy for all those people and share their excitement…it’s just hard.
It has also been hard to watch my triathlete friends plan and execute their race seasons, all the while you have to sit back and adjust to a life where planning ahead, or even running more than 2 miles, is just not an option.
Not going home to Curacao for over 2 years (thanks Zika) and being limited in where I can travel has been another obstacle I haven’t been too happy about. I miss my little island. I miss the beach. I miss our food. I miss my family.
The worst though have been the hormonal rages (clomid crazies), unexplained weight gain, explained weight gain (I’m definitely not working out enough and it’s kinda hard not to stress eat), and….the hot flashes!
It got so bad at one point, I had to tell my staff about it, because hanging out in a tank top when the rest of the office is wearing thick sweaters, and being a bubbly happy person one day, feisty and grumpy the next and then so monotone your voice creeps them out…well, let’s just say it’s better to explain that the emotional rollercoaster has nothing to do with their work performance and everything to do with hormones.
All in all, I cannot tell you how lucky I feel to have such a supportive group of staff, friends and family. I don’t think I’ll share the details of each of our procedures with you, but know that your support is appreciated and…please keep your fingers crossed that things work out for us. And maybe while we wait I’ll finally post about that crazy Kilimanjaro trip!